The Only Reason
by BigTimeRush-BTR
Summary: "When I close my eyes and try to sleep, I fall apart, I find it hard to breathe. You're the reason, the only reason. Even though my dizzy head is numb, I swear my heart is never giving up. You're the reason, the only reason."
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: I usually don't post warnings in my stories, but I'm warning you guys right now, before you start reading, there is mention of self-harm in this, so yeah… don't read it if it might trigger you.**

**Moving on, I'm basing this story off a 5 Seconds of Summer song called **_**The Only Reason**_** (hence the title). It's not going to be completely based off of it, only slightly. I hope you all like it… 'cause I wrote this in a hurry and didn't plan it beforehand… Enjoy.**

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><p>Tears blurred his vision, head pounding harshly against his skull. He leaned against the door to his bedroom, letting it close with the weight he was putting up against it. Hundreds of thoughts swam in a haste around in his head, making it impossible for him to focus on one specific one at once. He could not make sense of the feelings build up inside of him—the ones tugging at his heart strings, making him loathe himself, battling a never-ending war with the demons that were his thoughts.<p>

His thoughts... How they belittled him and fought to push him towards the edge, despite his futile attempts to remain sane and okay. Those depressing thoughts never left him—they always hid in the back of his mind, just waiting for the right moment to make their presence known and choke him without feeling any regret whatsoever. That is what depression felt like.

Depression felt like someone was choking him, taking every ounce of air in his lungs until he could breathe no more. It was like he was drowning, screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to rescue him, but no one listened. He just kept going below the surface. With each second that ticked by, he would scream louder and louder and his attempts to save himself became weaker and weaker. He was running out of time. He was deteriorating little by little.

"Kendall, please open the door. I'm sorry."

Anger bubbled inside of him, running through his veins. James was standing outside the door, asking for his forgiveness, and here he was, hating himself because at the moment, he could not bring himself to forgive James. Not after what he had said to him just minutes before.

"Kendall, please..."

"Go away."

The words barely managed to make it past his lips. He reached for the doorknob with a shaking hand and clicked the lock shut. His knees shook like jello, threatening to give out and knock him over at any second. Feeling too weak to stand up, he let his back slide against the door's wooden exterior. Until he was sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to his chest, his face buried against his legs. The tears he had been holding back slid down his cheeks within seconds, but he made no attempt to hold them back any longer. He was tired of being strong. He could no longer hold up the façade. He was done.

"I'm not going anywhere until you open this damn door. I know you're mad at me, but you cannot isolate yourself this way. You can't keep doing this to yourself, Kendall. You can't keep hiding from the truth."

"As if you know what the truth is," the dirty blond choked out. "Twenty minutes ago you didn't even know something was wrong with me. Do you know how long I've been waiting for someone—_anyone_ to notice? Giving hint after hint, waiting for somebody to ask me if I'm okay. Wishing someone would finally realize that I'm lying when I say I'm fine! I'm not fine!"

By now he was gripping fistfuls of his hair in between his fingers, tugging harshly at the strands. He needed to feel the pain. He needed to feel something other than the emotional turmoil going on in his head and heart.

James sighed, leaning his forehead against the door. "I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm so sorry."

A loud thump against the door startled him, forcing James to jump back in alarm. On the other side of the door, Kendall gripped his right hand to his chest, which would surely bruise later on. He held back a sob and closed his eyes tightly, biting down on his lower lip to avoid making any more noise. He felt so pathetic and worthless. He wanted more than anything to take a blade to his wrist at that very moment.

His gaze turned towards the bathroom as the thought about cutting crossed his mind. Shakily, he stood up from the floor and made his way towards the closed door. By then James was yelling at him to open the door, but he paid no attention at all. His demonic thoughts were in control. There was no stopping him.

Pulling the door open, he rushed to where he kept his blades in the bottom drawer of the cabinet near the sink. He rummaged through them and pulled one out, watching the light from the ceiling reflecting against its surface. Sobbing, he sat down on the bathroom floor and pulled up his sweater sleeve. Scars were present against his pale skin, some recent ones overlying old ones.

_What the hell is wrong with you, Kendall? Why would you do this to yourself?_

_You're so selfish!_

_Do you not think about how this will affect others? Mama Knight, Katie, Logan and Carlos, me?_

_I'm so disappointed in you._

James' words replayed in his mind over and over as he forced the blade to cut horizontal, vertical and diagonal lines against his skin. That last comment had hurt most of all. He hated disappointing anyone. He could not handle anyone being disappointed in him, especially someone he cared so much about. He tried so hard to pull himself together for everyone's sake and not let the responsibility of being the leader of his little group of friends bring him down. Not to mention the fact that he had to play the role of Katie's father figure and help his mom out as well. It was useless, though. He was falling, and he didn't know how to stop it.

The sound of his bedroom door being yanked open shook him from his thoughts. Next thing he knew James had opened the door to the bathroom as well and was staring at him with the eyes one would use on a hurt puppy. Kendall opened his mouth to apologize, but nothing came out.

"Kendall..."

James kneeled down in front of him, taking his bleeding arm and holding it close to inspect it. He sighed softly and held out his other hand, staring at Kendall with tearful eyes. "Give me the blade." Kendall only shook his head from side to side. "Kendall, please... please give it to me... Trust me, Kenny, please." Never in his life had Kendall heard James beg for anything or talk to someone in such a broken and careful manner. The brunette's behavior was surprising him to say the least.

Hesitantly, Kendall placed the blade in James' open palm, then proceeding to lean back against the wall in a tight little ball, rocking back and forth with nervousness. The tears continued to fall. James grabbed his hand once more and helped him to his feet. He grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinet and pushed Kendall to sit on top of the closed toilet seat. Wordlessly, he worked on cleaning the wounds and bandaging up Kendall's arm. The blond said nothing. He just stayed silent, wishing the earth would eat him up. He wanted to vanish into thin air and never emerge again.

Minutes later, Kendall was sitting in the middle of his bed, legs crossed and hands resting on top of them. He watched James pace back and forth in front of him, playing with his hands—a nervous gesture he had had since a very young age. Finally, the brunette came to a halt and turned towards him.

"We're gonna have to talk about this. You know that, right?" Kendall nodded feebly as James moved to stand in front of him. "We don't have to talk about it right now, since I know the guys will be back soon, but we need to. You can't hurt yourself like that, Kendall. I don't know what's hurting you so much, so I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier. I just—I saw the scars, and it stirred something inside of me. I just... I don't know how to—"

"James," Kendall said softly, "I'm sorry, James."

He reached forward and grabbed onto James' jacket sleeve, pulling him down to sit beside him. James looked at him through sad and watery eyes and wrapped an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders, pulling him close to his side. Kendall leaned against his touch and buried his face against James' jacket, clinging onto him for dear life. Sobs shook his body as he sat there curled up against the older boy. James wrapped him in his arms and placed a kiss on top of Kendall's blond hair, letting a tear roll down his cheek.

"I love you, Ken," he whispered.

"I love you too," came Kendall's reply. Little did he know that James meant it in a more than friendly way. But he said nothing, too afraid to face the consequences of what would happen if he were to do so. Instead, he counted down the seconds until Kendall's breathing evened out, indicating that he had fallen asleep.

Smiling sadly, he laid Kendall down on the bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. But before walking out of the room, he leaned down and placed a kiss to Kendall's cheek. Then he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar, hoping that someday he'd get the courage to tell him how he really felt towards him. But more than anything, praying he'd be able to help Kendall get better, because that is all he wanted—for him to be happy and safe. That is all he would ever want.

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><p><strong>I have so many multi-chapter stories started… but I really don't want to end this here… So if you'd like me to continue, let me know. Thank you for reading.<strong>

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I really should be asleep, but I had to post this before I went to bed. Hope you all enjoy. And thank you for the feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate it.**

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><p>The sound of soft knocking startled Kendall out of his thoughts. He gripped the blanket covering him tighter against his body, hoping that the person to walk in through the door at any moment would be anyone but James. He loved James, but at the moment, he didn't want to be anywhere near him. He didn't want to deal with the talk that he would surely have to face as soon as he was left alone with him.<p>

He curled in on himself and turned over onto his other side, so that his back was facing the door. Nervously, he muttered a quiet "come in" and waited for the door to creak open. When it did, he tensed up, the weight of someone dipping the mattress behind him.

"We need to talk, Ken," came James' soft whisper. He reached forward and let his hand land on Kendall's shoulder. If it was possible, the blond tensed up even more at the action. Noticing this, James frowned and removed his hand. "I know you don't want us to talk about this, but we need to. This can't keep happening." And Kendall knew James was right. As self-centered as James might seem at times, Kendall knew better—he knew the brunette had a kind heart and cared about him more than he cared about himself. All he wanted was to help him, but Kendall was too afraid of letting him in. He was afraid of letting anybody in.

"I don't know how to stop it," Kendall whispered, more to himself than to James. He let out a soft sigh and forced back a sob. He hated feeling so vulnerable and seeming so fragile, and he knew that's the way James probably saw him as well. Under the strong, brave mask he wore everywhere, was a side of him he never let anyone see. A side of him that just wanted to be held and reassured that things would be okay. All he wanted was for someone to notice that there was something wrong with him, and now that he had that, he didn't want it. He felt like he was just being pitied.

"I don't know either, but we'll figure something out. But first, I need to ask you a question."

Kendall winced, knowing what was to come. A feeling of nausea suddenly took over him. He wasn't ready for this. Even if he had known James since kindergarten and the two were as close as two best friends can be, he simply was not ready.

"Why are you hurting yourself?"

Kendall stayed quiet, thoughts running wildly in his head. He closed his eyes shut and buried his face against the pillow holding up his head, muffling the sob that managed to crawl up his throat. He didn't even bother to pull away as James laid down beside him and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Rather than run away, he turned around and buried his face against James' clothed chest, clinging onto him tightly.

The taller boy mentally slapped himself, hating that he had made Kendall cry, even though deep down he knew it wasn't he who had made him cry. Kendall was obviously carrying a heavy burden, one that he wouldn't admit to. He was in a lot of pain, and all James wanted to do was to take it all away.

Taking a hold of Kendall's chin in between his index finger and thumb, he made Kendall look into his eyes, and the sight alone of Kendall's tear-stained face brought James to tears as well. He saw the dullness in Kendall's once bright green eyes, yet at the same time he saw so much pain and sadness, so much guilt.

"You need to trust me, Kendall. I won't look at you any differently. I just want to help you. I want to help you in any way I can. You're my best friend and I care so much about you."

Kendall nodded hesitantly, wiping at his eyes. "It's hard. It's hard having to look after everyone all the time. Having to look out for Katie, my mom, you guys—not that I mind it, b-but... it just becomes too much at times. Then there's Gustavo, who expects so much from us, but it's... it's like he expects me to be perfect. To be perfect in everything I do and always keep us out of trouble. I'm not perfect. I'm so far from perfect! Why can't anyone see that?! Why can't everyone see how fucked up and worthless I actually am?! Why, J-James...?"

"Kendall..."

If there was anything James hated more than seeing Kendall cry, it was hearing him talk about himself in such a hateful manner. The younger boy was perfect in his eyes. He wouldn't deny that just like everybody, Kendall had his flaws, but his imperfections were what made him perfect in James' eyes, and he only wished that he could tell him what he really thought without raising any suspicion.

"You are not worthless or fucked up, Kendall. You are not close to being either of those things. Why would you think that...? Did somebody tell you that you were? I swear, if someone called you either of those things, I am going to beat the shi—"

"James," Kendall's small voice stopped him from saying any more, "no one called me that." The smaller boy looked down at his lap, bangs falling over his eyes, making him look even sadder. "W-Well, someone did, once, but it doesn't matter anymore. They're gone... I j-just need to learn to get over it."

James looked at Kendall with sad eyes, holding back tears that begged to fall from his hazel eyes. "_Who_ did this to you? _How long_ has this been going on?"

"The name calling... m-my dad, when I was younger. Like I said, he's gone... I just need to stop thinking about it, b-but I can't."

"Why not?" James asked brokenly.

Kendall blinked furiously in an attempt to stop himself from crying any more, but it was useless—the tears fell anyway. "Because once you are expected to be a role model for everyone, you are reminded of the fact that as hard as you may try, you will never be good enough. The past comes crawling back little by little. A-And it b-breaks you..."

As soon as he said that, Kendall bolted into the bathroom and slammed the door closed shut behind him. James motionlessly sat there, shocked by Kendall's outburst and the sound of the blond throwing up the little food he had eaten earlier.

_He was such an idiot._

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><p><strong>Let me know what you thought. Thank you for reading.<strong>

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys... I don't really like this chapter. I don't like how it came out—I feel like it's too rushed and makes no sense. I'm sorry if it's bad, and I'm sorry if you guys don't like it. I'll try to do a better job with the next one...**

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><p>"Ken?" James knocked softly on the bathroom door, even though he had already cracked it open a tiny bit. "Can I come in?" He was worried sick about the blond singer, even more so when he received no response.<p>

He let himself in and took a seat on the floor beside the slightly shorter boy. Kendall had his eyes closed, head resting against the tub. He didn't even acknowledge James' presence, and that made the brunette worry even more.

"I want to be alone, James," Kendall whispered as James reached to lay a hand on his shoulder. Frowning, he brought his hand back to his side and looked down at the floor. When James made no move to leave, Kendall turned towards him and sent him a glare. "Please just leave me alone."

"You really expect me to leave you by yourself after that outburst? Why did you throw up? Are you sick?" Once more, James reached over in an attempt to feel Kendall's forehead, but he swatted it away. Trying to act like the action had not hurt his feelings in the very least, he sighed. "Alright, what the hell is your problem?"

"My problem, is that I want to be alone and you won't let me."

"I'm worried about you, you idiot. Stop trying to push me away. I'm just trying to help, but if you don't want my help, then fine. I'll leave you alone." He stood up and made his way towards the door, but didn't leave before sending Kendall a glare. "Hope you're happy."

Kendall jumped slightly as the door closed shut behind him. He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face against them, sobbing uncontrollably. He felt like such an idiot. Of course he wanted James to be around. He didn't really want to be alone, yet at the same time he did. He wanted his space—wanted to have room to breathe and think. But at the same time, he wanted James to hold him like before, to feel his arms surrounding him protectively, and hear the soft words of comfort that would spill from the older boy's lips. He felt so conflicted. If he was being honest, he didn't really know what he wanted. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted to disappear so badly.

Sniffling, he pulled up his sweater sleeve and stared at the fresh cuts that he had carved into his skin just a few hours before. The sight only made him want to cry even more. He knew that it was wrong to do that to himself, but that didn't stop him. He felt like a complete failure, and like he deserved to be punished in some way or another. He didn't know when things had gotten this bad. He didn't know how he had ended up in such a rut. One moment, he was feeling like he was on top of the world, and the next, he felt like he had lost everything he had once held dear to his heart.

When he was eight years old, Kendall's father walked out on his family. He had left despite Mrs. Knight's attempts to make him stay. He had left a heartbroken mother, a crying and confused eight-year-old little boy, and a two-year-old baby girl who had no memory of the event whatsoever. Kendall wished he could forget the day it happened—it was the most horrible day of his life.

He remembered the way he had stood in the doorway to his mother and father's room, watching as his father packed his clothes and belongings into a couple of suitcases, while his mother cried, begging him to not leave. His father had simply ignored her, turned on his heels, and pushed Kendall out of the way. Crying because his father was leaving, the blond had run after him, clinging to his legs, asking him to stay.

But the most vivid moment from that day had to be when his dad finally turned around, kneeled down to Kendall's height, only to look him straight in the eye. He remembered the exact words that had spilled from his father's lips, and even though they made no sense to him at the time, over time he started to understand.

_"I'm sorry, but I refuse to have a fag as my son."_

Kendall knew from a very young age that he was not like most boys. He didn't like girls. He didn't know why—he didn't understand. His father must have caught on before he did. That was the only explanation Kendall had. He knew something he didn't know, and had left because he thought that there was something wrong with the young boy.

Knowing that it was his fault that his father had left made Kendall hate himself even more. How could he not? His father had made it pretty clear that his departure was his fault. Because of him, his mother stayed up countless nights, crying until the crack of dawn. Because of him, she had to work two different jobs at a time, in order to keep food on the table. He had had to look after Katie most of the time because she was barely home. Katie was forced to grow up without a father.

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><p><em>"Kenny?"<em>

_Kendall looked down, smiling softly at his little sister. The two were at the park near their house. Katie was five and Kendall was eleven. They were both sitting down on one of the park benches, enjoying the ice cream Kendall had just bought them. He took notice of the sad look on Katie's face, and his smile immediately vanished._

_"Yeah, Katie?"_

_The little girl bit her lip, unsure of herself. She turned away from Kendall and her gaze fell on a family a few yards away—a family of four; mother, father, son and daughter. "Why do other kids have mommies and daddies and we only have mommy?"_

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><p>Kendall sobbed, pulling his sleeve back down. He stood up on wobbly legs and tried his best to hide the fact that he was crying, so that nobody would question him once he exited the bathroom. He reached for the doorknob and slowly turned it in his hold. He heard a sudden gasp and jumped in surprise. James was sitting on the floor by the door.<p>

"H-Hi..."

James stood up, moving out of the way, allowing Kendall to come out. When he did, he wordlessly pulled him into a hug. The blond stood, paralyzed in the brunette's hold for a few seconds. When the shock wore off, he leeched onto James, seeking his comfort and warmth.

"I'm sorry," the older boy whispered, letting his eyes close shut. He pressed a kiss to the top of Kendall's head and rubbed small circles against his back, giving the crying teen time to calm down.

"You... You didn't do anything," Kendall whispered as he pulled away. He dragged his feet against the carpet on his way to his bed. He heard James sigh and turned to look at him. "What?"

"I wish I knew what you're going through," the taller boy said in response.

Kendall looked down at his feet, not wanting to look James in the eye. "You say that now, but you really don't. I know you're gonna say that you just want to understand, but you won't—not unless you've been through it. And you don't want to go through it, trust me."

James opened his mouth to speak, but Kendall then looked up, tears begging to slip from his eyes. "Can I please just be left alone?" he asked in a soft voice. "Please. I'm not mad... I just want to be alone."

Giving in, James nodded. "Yeah. If you need anything just shoot me a text or go and wake me up." He turned to leave, but Kendall called his name, stopping him in his tracks.

"Did... you tell the guys?"

"No. As soon as they came back from the studio and realized you weren't around, Carlos asked me where you were. I told him and Logan you were sleeping. I figured you'd tell them when you were ready... It's not my place to say."

Kendall forced a smile. "Thanks, Jay."

"Anytime, Ken."

With that being said, he was gone.

Kendall curled up on his bed and rolled around to face the window. Minutes later, he heard the door open and close. He heard shuffling but made no move to acknowledge the boy behind him. Logan must have assumed he was asleep, for he said no word. Kendall waited for his breathing to even out, and then, finally, let the tears spill—his normal routine.

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><p><strong>I hope that was ok. Thanks for reading.<br>**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**There's a lot of cussing in this chapter... Oops. Um, anyway, you guys are probably gonna hate me once you finish reading it.**

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><p>"J-James?"<p>

James rubbed his eyes tiredly, forcing his body into a sitting position. Through the little bit of moonlight that came from the window, he could make out the silhouette of someone standing by his bedside—that someone being Kendall. Instead of telling him to go away and let him sleep, like he would normally do, he turned around and switched on the lamp on his bedside table. The sight before him tore his heart in two.

Kendall was standing in front of him, face tearstained and at least a shade paler than his usual skin color. His hair was a mess, his eyes bloodshot from crying. From the way he was biting his lip, James could tell that he was doing everything in his power to stop himself from bursting into tears right then and there. He looked absolutely awful and sick, and just seeing how broken Kendall looked made James hate himself for not realizing it sooner. He was too blind to notice just how bad Kendall was feeling or how badly he was treating himself. The kid was a mess, and James absolutely loathed it.

"Oh Kendall..."

He looked into the green eyes that had once been filled with so much joy and happiness, feeling a pang of guilt and sadness. This was Kendall who was suffering. The same Kendall that always pushed his needs to the side, in order to make sure his loved ones were okay. He was the one everybody turned to when they were having a bad day, feeling stressed, needed advice... anything. He was the one who did everything he could to hold everybody up, but the one thing he couldn't do was hold himself up. He was trapped by his thoughts—by his mind. He could solve anyone's problems but his own. He was lost.

"Come." James wasted no time in getting out of bed, leading the boy out of the room. Carlos was a heavy sleeper, so the chances of him waking up to the sound of the two boys talking was very unlikely. But by the looks of it, Kendall looked like he was about to have an emotional breakdown, and James did not want to risk the chance of Carlos finding out what was going on with Kendall before the blond was ready to confess.

Guiding Kendall to sit on the couch, he sat down beside him, wrapping an arm around his waist. It didn't take long for Kendall to turn in his hold, leaning his forehead against the crook of James' neck. The tears spilled in a matter of seconds. It was like a never-ending waterfall with how hard the younger boy was crying. Sobs shook his body harshly, choking him even. It was not a pretty sight in the slightest. James was never good at comforting others—he wasn't at all like Kendall; the boy always knew just what to say. Nor was he like Carlos, who could make everything okay with a silly joke or stunt. He simply didn't know what to say. He never thought he would find himself caught in a situation like this, especially with Kendall of all people.

"Kendall, please talk to me. What's bothering you? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's hurting you so much," he said softly, afraid of upsetting the dirty blond even more. He rubbed Kendall's arm, hoping that it would bring him at least a little bit of comfort. Kendall didn't say anything for a few minutes, finding it hard to stop sobbing onto James' shoulder.

Eventually, Kendall's sobs subsided to whimpers.

"I don't know... I don't know what's wrong, James. I guess it's just the pressure. The pressure of being in a boy band, knowing you're being judged on every move, every decision that you make... All Gustavo does is yell at me, and yeah, maybe I yell back at him, but... I just can't show him how much it hurts, because it does hurt. It hurts that everyone expects me to fix every problem. It hurts knowing that if I fuck up, it's seen as a huge deal. If I fuck anything up, he, Griffin, Kelly... maybe even you guys, will see me as a disappointment, because I'm not only letting myself down... I'm letting everybody down."

It took a moment for everything Kendall said, to make sense in James' head.

"How long have you been feeling this way...?" James asked. He held onto Kendall tighter, his fingers running through blond locks. Kendall stiffened in his hold.

"A few months, p-possibly a year..."

James stared, dumb-founded at Kendall's answer. Kendall had been feeling like utter crap for that long, and he had no idea it was happening. He had thought Kendall was fine, when he was obviously not. Everyone had been oblivious to the pain caused by the responsibility Kendall had to carry on his shoulders on a daily basis. He had been hurting himself, purposely, and no one had noticed. James felt like such an awful friend—he _was_ an awful friend. How could he not notice that his best friend was hurting so much?

"Kendall... Oh my God, Kendall, I am so sorry..."

Kendall withdrew from James' hold in an instant, as if being struck by fire. "N-No... This is exactly why I didn't want you to know! I didn't want anybody to know! I don't need you blaming yourself, too, hating yourself for my selfish actions. It's not your fault I'm utter shit and deserve to die! It's not your fault... God, I'm such a fucking screw up, it's mine... It's _my fault_..."

Before James could recover from Kendall's outburst, the blond bolted out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.

"What the hell is going on...?"

James jumped in surprise, turning, only to be met by Logan's presence. "I..." He was left at a loss for words. "Crap—Logan, Kendall... Crap. We need to find him."

"What are you talking about? What's going on? I heard yelling and then the door, and... I'm lost, what's happened? What about Kendall?"

James shook his head. "I'll explain in a bit. Just, go put on some shoes. I'll go wake up Carlos. We need to go look for Kendall, and if he wakes up and notices all three of us are missing, he'll freak out."

Logan nodded his head and rushed back to his room, as James ran to wake up his oldest best friend. He only hoped that Kendall was just hiding somewhere in the hotel and not out on the streets at such a late hour. They needed to find him, and they needed to find him fast.

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><p><strong>I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, so if I'm not doing a good job at it, please let me know. There's a reason Kendall ran away from James... again, and maybe it'll all make sense once I write the next chapter. I'm debating whether or not I'll write the next one in Kendall's point of view. I really want to show how he's feeling about all of this and what is really going on in his mind.<strong>

**What did you all think? Anything I can improve on? Am I going too fast...? I feel like I am... Anyway, thank you for reading, and thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**You guys are going to kill me when you finish reading this, that is all I have to say. Also, there are mentions of self-harm in this chapter, so don't read it if it'll trigger you.**

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><p>"Wait, so let me get this straight. You're telling me that Kendall has been hurting himself?" Carlos questioned James as he stood in front of him, blocking his path. Said brunette nodded his head in response, not giving him an audible one. "But, how...? Why would he do something like that?"<p>

"I'm not sure..." James said softly, not really knowing the full reason behind Kendall's actions. "He did mention something about his father calling him things and Gustavo pressuring him, but other than that, he didn't really give me a proper reason. Like, I feel like there's more to it, you know? He just keeps running away from me, as if he's afraid."

"But, afraid of what?"

"Of being human," Logan said, speaking for the first time since the three had left the apartment.

"What do you mean?" James asked in confusion.

"Kendall is, well... Kendall. He's bullheaded, independent and strong, and likes to be seen as such. He doesn't like relying on others. He worries more about others than he worries about himself. He doesn't want us to think he's weak, or anything of the sort."

"He's not weak, though," James pointed out.

"No, but he thinks that needing to lean on others from time to time or letting his guard down, makes him weak. He's used to being the one to hold others up, and not the other way around."

"That makes sense," Carlos said after a moment of silence. "How could we not have noticed?" he said softly, brown eyes turning from James to Logan. Both boys' expressions were unreadable, unlike his, who seemed like he would break down any second. "I guess that doesn't matter right now... We need to find him."

"Yeah, we do," James whispered. He looked around the lobby, for the first time noticing how empty and sad it looked in the nighttime. He was so used to seeing residents walking around all the time. "I've been thinking, though—someone should stay in the apartment, in case he comes back. Logan?"

The smaller boy nodded his head. "Alright. If he comes back, I'll shoot you guys a text. And if you guys find him, let me know."

"Will do."

James and Carlos watched him walk away and into an elevator. Once the doors had closed behind him, they turned towards each other.

"Do you want to look around for him here while I take the BTR mobile and look for him elsewhere?" James asked the shorter boy.

"Yeah, sure," Carlos responded hesitantly. James nodded, turning to leave, but as a hand landed on his shoulder, he turned around. "We'll find him, right? And he'll be okay?" James could only offer Carlos a forced smile.

He pulled the smaller boy into a brief hug, not wanting to leave him on his own, but knowing that it was better if they looked for Kendall in different places. "He'll be fine, don't worry. Text me if you find him, alright?" Carlos nodded mutely, and James took that as a sign to leave.

The tall brunette grabbed the car keys from his pocket and made his way to the BTR mobile that was parked in the Palm Woods' parking lot. He inserted the key into its slot and backed out of the parking space, not really having an idea of where he was going. All he knew was that he had to find Kendall, and he had to find him fast.

Seeing Kendall so broken, had shattered his heart into pieces. Kendall was such a lively soul, and one would never imagine that he was mentally having a fight against his own demons. He always seemed so happy and cheerful—nothing like the broken boy James had seen sitting on the bathroom floor with blood staining his wrist. It made James sick to his stomach knowing Kendall had been hurting himself in that way. Had he only known sooner, he would have stopped it from getting worse. But he didn't, and that one thought made him feel so guilty.

* * *

><p>As soon as James walked away from him, Carlos turned on his heels and decided to search outside first, just in case Kendall was somewhere around the Palm Woods. He looked all around the pool area, checking the cabanas and anywhere Kendall could be hiding, but he didn't see him anywhere. The feeling of fear only intensified as he kept searching.<p>

Giving up on the outside portion of the Palm Woods, he walked back into the lobby and checked behind the couches and any other piece of furniture, including Bitters' desk. Seeing that the blond singer was nowhere to be found, he decided to check the second floor, and then the third. But still, there was nothing; no sight of Kendall whatsoever. He only hoped James would find him or that he'd return to the apartment on his own. He had to.

* * *

><p>Logan paced back and forth around the apartment, not really knowing what else to do. There was really not much he could do, considering his best friend was out somewhere on his own, and he was worried sick about him. He had tried watching TV, but had turned it off after only a few minutes, since he couldn't concentrate on it. The book he had tried reading was now sprawled out on the other side of the room. He simply could not focus on anything other than his blond best friend. He didn't know what to do.<p>

Tired from pacing, he sat down on the floor and pulled out his phone to check if he had any calls or messages from either James or Carlos, but there was nothing. He wasn't expecting any from Kendall, since he had seen his cellphone on his bed when he had walked into the bedroom.

_How could he have been so stupid? How could he have not noticed how much Kendall was hurting? How...?_

* * *

><p>Death seemed like the only option to him in that moment. If he was gone, then no one would have to deal with him being this way. They'd be better off without him anyway, he was sure of it. It seemed like he couldn't do anything right. He was always being yelled at for not being good enough, for not being able to keep himself and the boys out of trouble, for so many stupid reasons. The yelling wasn't even that bad, but it did bring back memories of his past—of words his father said to him when he was younger, or things other kids would say to him. The flashbacks were the worst, they were what made him loathe himself more and more every day—to the point in which he felt like he deserved the pain he was enduring.<p>

He wasn't the happy-go-lucky, optimistic person everybody else perceived him to be. His thoughts were anything but optimistic. Dark shadows loomed over him in every second of every day. Bad thoughts lurked in his mind, pushing him down while he fought to push himself forward. Every day was a struggle, and he was so sick of it. He was feeling depressed all the time, or feeling numb and relying on a blade to feel any kind of pain. He was so used to feeling pain, it was like he could not live without it. Happiness was an emotion he no longer truly felt. To put it simply, he was a shadow of his former self, and as much as he hated it, he did not know how to stop it.

He opened his palm, revealing the blade that he held in his hand. Letting out a strangled sob, he pulled back his sweater sleeve and held it above his wrist, about a centimeter above his skin. He felt so guilty for what he was about to do—the image of James' heartbroken face not leaving his mind. But at the same time, his mind kept telling him to do it, that he deserved it, and that was enough to push him to slice the blade against his skin for the second time that day.

Tears blurred his vision, making it almost impossible for him to see the sight in front of him. He didn't know how many times he had slid the piece of metal against his skin, when he heard a shout of his name, followed by the feeling of arms wrapping around his shaking body. He tried pushing the person away, but they held onto him tightly and took away the blade from his grasp.

"Leave me alone! P-Please just... please just go," he sobbed, trying his best to push them away. He opened his eyes to see who it was that was holding him, but as soon as he did, his vision started to blur and a strong feeling of dizziness overtook him. Then everything went black.

* * *

><p><strong>Um, thoughts? Any guesses as to who found Kendall? Thank you for reading.<strong>

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	6. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not sure if any of you have read the author's note I posted in ****_Broken Wings, Shattered Heart_****, but in case you haven't, I'm sorry to say that I will be deleting this story. The two stories are too similar (even though one centers around Kendall, while the other one centers around Carlos). I also feel like I started this story off in a bad place, and the last few chapters have been very difficult to write. I use writing as an escape, and because of it, I don't want it to seem like work for me. It's something I enjoy doing, but I just don't like how this story is going. There is a possibility that I will rewrite it later on, but I have several stories like this one—one of them being ****_Broken Wings, Shattered Heart_****, and another being ****_I'm Not Perfect_**** (which centers around James).**

**I'm really sorry, guys. I hope you're all okay with this. Either way, thank you for your support on this story. It really means a lot to me.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


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